Who is Canada's Wealth Destroyers?


   In a recent issue of Maclean’s Magazine, Jason Kirby’s article ‘Canada’s Wealth Destroyers’ writes about the huge dip in the share price of Valeant, the boom & bust of Nortel, Blackberry’s fortunes and the ups and downs of Encana, Barrick and Potash Corp.

  winners and losers in the game of life

  My question is, did those 6 companies cause the losses or was it investor greed, fund managers doing what everyone else was doing, going with the flow or financial advisors not advising wisely?

   Now me, not being a very bright guy, if someone buys a stock or sells a stock, someone came out ahead, didn’t they? If a so called financial expert advised you to buy or sell shares in any of those 6, did he or she not get remunerated whether you made money or lost money?

  Where did those billions of dollars go?

   Most Canadians are too polite to talk about winners and losers and most  cheer for the underdog. Well, clap your hands; shout with glee because the underdogs here are:

  • The greedy
  • The lazy
  • The dreamer
  • The over indulgent individual who wants a $100,000  foreign lazy boy chair  on wheels, with leather heated seats, a bedpan and catheter as a standard feature, the $1,000 a night hotel room, the 6th watch (you now have to be an astronaut to read one).
  • Those who do not know what the word ‘enough’ means.
  • The un-washed

  All six of the above will lick their wounds and the majority will start looking how, where and when to jump on the financial treadmill again!


Whacky Wealtor Wankers 1


               Whacky Wealtor Thoughts

  Where on my website does it say " If you are wierd, different, a complainypant, pennyless, unwashed, rude, your nose up your ass type of person or couple looking to buy or sell a house in London Ontario, call me?

 Is in a code someplace? Subliminal? The page colours, text, time of day or is that some partake in amber liquids, inhale funny stuff, are short a brick or shallower than a kiddy pool?

 I have changed the dates ( if implied), the gender ( if I could tell) and perhaps the neighbourhood.

 I get an email from a man who said he had read all my reports, pages and blogs  and wanted to meet me to help him buy a house for him and his mother. Great , I set up an appointment and in the mean time as requested, he sent me his criteria, price range and other pertinent information.

 I meet him at my office, seems normal enough, but the more and more he talks and discloses, some things pop up such as his past neighbours were idiots and jerks, no need to get a mortgage, he can pay cash for a $350,000 house.

 Me: "You mean a cheque?"

 Him " No, cash"

 Me " The money does not go to me, it would go to your lawyer who in turn would transfer the fund to the seller's lawyer upon closing."

 Him " I don't trust lawyers" 

 Me "Why do you say that?"

 Him: A ten minute rant, blah,blah,blah stuff .

     Red flags as a Realtor in London Ontario

 Me: "Well, I cannot help you, you are going to have to use a lawyer." (Red flags are waving in front of my face, in my subconsious, slapping me across the head.)

 Him: "Ok, will you help me with the names of a good lawyer?" ( Aha, here is my chance to refer him to some lawyers in London just to spite them. But, being a Christian, a professional, kind and sometimes stupid and naive, I say)

 Me: "Yes"

 So, I research the properties available that meet his criteria and we narrow them down to 2 pretty nice looking houses in good neighbourhoods of London. I review with him the past history of the house, the price comparables, taxes and other real pertinent details that a home buyer should know.

  We book a time for the next day to go see the two houses. That evening, I get an email from him asking if I could help  find a private investigator. You see, it turns out that dog barking causes stress for his mother and he wants me to ensure that there are no barking dogs within 1 block from the house and to put a clause in any offer that the seller guarantees there are no dogs nearby!

  As I have already told him that is a very unusual request and I could not and would not canvass the block for barking dogs, hence, he would hire an investigator for a week to make sure there were no dogs!

 Now, those red flags are jabbing me in my stomach, actually snapping because of the blunt blows to my head and I wake up and say: "Sorry, I cannot help you and I wish you the best".

 He says: " Could you refer me to someone else?" ( Wow, another chance to get even and give back to a few peers, but no, being a former beaver cub, sea scout and an all around good guy, I said that I could not think of anybody off the top of my head.)

 End of the story, right? No way, there is more. 

Stay tuned!


How You Eat a Cookie Says A lot About You


Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which you eat an Oreo can provide insights into your personality.

•·   The whole cookie at once - you're totally irresponsible.

•·   One bite at a time - you are "normal" but lack imagination.

•·   Slow and methodical nibbling - you are very meticulous.

•·   Fast nibbling - you get things done quickly.

•·   Dunked in liquid - you are upbeat and likeable.

•·   Eat the filling and then the cookie - you are a very curious person.

•·   Eat the filling and toss the cookie - you are greedy, especially in business.

•·   You don't have a favorite way to eat an Oreo - you are very fussy and hard to please.

So with the above being the case, why not give everyone a bag of Oreos when you want to find:

  • an employee
  • a new job
  • a mate
  • a business partner
  • a REALTOR
  • a lawyer ( oops, they do not eat cookies, they are carnivores)

Looking to Buy A Nuclear Plant?


It was announced  that Canada is proposing to sell our country's publicly owned nuclear agency or parts of.

                                              

As a Broker of Record and licensed in Ontario  to sell real estate, if you are looking to buy a nuclear plant, please do not give me a call. I should point out that I have no experience with nuclear energy sales, don't know the price yet and I do not have a signed listing agreement.

From pictures I know what a nuclear plant looks like so how difficult could it be  to sell one? Please be aware that there are a few countries that I could not sell to, check with your local spy agency for details. 

I have not been able to find any real estate training courses in the sale of nuclear energy or facilities ; so if it appears I have no idea what I am talking about, you are correct!

So, being a responsible REALTOR, I will decline to take that listing or work with any potential buyers plus; the mortgage lenders I work with may not be able to get financing for the buyers!

 Will Canada take a second mortgage? Or. how about a rent to own? 


Turtle Racing Almost Banned by Peta


   Yes you read the title right, PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals), made a complaint to the Ontario Natural Resourses Ministry that the 130 would be racing turtles in Ailsa Craig must be released before Ailsa Craig's 36th Annual Gala Days and Turtle Races.

Turtle racing

 Ailsa Craig officials are going to rent pet store turtles for the event instead! Apparently turtles when they race get stressed and that seems to be a problem.

 Maybe if the purse (price) was larger they wouldn't be as stressed. Look at the Maple Leafs, they get paid millions and still lose and that doesn't seem to stress them out!

I know nothing about the physc of a turtle, but aren't they supposed to go slow? I see lots of slow moving people and they don't seem too stressed to me.

I have to confess that I may have to go into hiding, I swatted a mosquito yesterday and I hear PETA is looking for me. Have got to go now, going to buy a wig (man made), a mustache (natural fibre), sunglasses (oops, another offense) oh well, chain me, hang me but please do not take away my real estate license.

 Real Estate is something that I do know about!


How to Order a Member of Parliament for Lunch


   A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the dinner menu.

  • Tourist:  $5
  • Broiled Missionary:  $7
  • Fried Explorer:  $9
  • Freshly Baked Liberals Or Conservatives  $150


 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a huge price difference for the politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

(The word crap was inserted to be politically correct)

 


I cannot be an Eco-Friendly Realtor


  Lately everywhere I turn I am seeing eco this, green that which I respect and in my own way , practice. I wonder however, what is the long term cost going to be with some of the plans that have been implemented?

A Futuristic Real Estate Office Listing Presentation practiced by I.M. Green, sales person and part time welfare recipient

"Good afternoon, Mr. & Mrs. Needy, I am I.M. Green, I know, that's a mouthful, but really, you have got to trust me. I am I.M.Green. "

"Do you have the $5,000 cash I asked for? I should say green backs, ha, ha, ha! As I mentioned to you I practice a truly green and eco friendly way of selling your house. The $5,000 saves you writing a cheque, a listing agreement and all that other tree killing use of paper."

"Of course there will be no sign on your lawn, wood posts and plastic are bad for the environment, you know. Yes, I know it counts for 40% of sales, but we have to protect the environment."

"I did not do a Comparable Market Analysis (CMA), you know, all that paper, plus, my broker let all his staff go when he decided he wanted to live in his car. He is trying to save heat and hydro, bricks and mortar costs, you know? All that staff, all they did was answer the phones, do our offers, coordinate paperwork for lawyers, lenders, commission cheques, all that unfriendly environmental stuff, hence no CMA."

"I bet you think you want to sell your house for $250,000 is that right? Well, for the $5000 in greenbacks you gave me upfront I will sell it today for $200,000. That will be eco friendly because your neighbours will be green with envy that you sold your home so fast!"

"Just think, no wasteful energy spent on marketing, blogging, feature sheets, virtual tours, no door knocking, no website presence, heck, we won't even have to put in on MLS." Can you imagine, that's what those successful and diligent sales people do, but they don't care about the environment like I do."

"Well Mr. & Mrs. Wanting, I'm going to sell your home right now. Actually, I have Mr. Dodge coming in 5 minutes to give you a cheque for $200,000 . I know what you are thinking, but they don't use cash on the island of Catchmeifyoucan and the cheque is from the Royal United Catchmeifyoucan National Bank"

"Why are you folks yelling at me and pointing a finger at me, I'm saving the envirinoment, I didn't let you folks get a word in edgeways but that's because I am I.M. Green, my name says it all and don't forget, Mr.Dodge is on his way!

PLEASE NOTE: If you smoke whacky stuff or drink amber lemonade this could happen to you. No  REALTOR'S® at all act this way, but if it ever does happen, another strike against the environment!

Another Note: As the title of this story states, I will not be able to be that environmentally correct because I looked at some files from this year over last year and as a Broker of Record, I have to have my clients sign and initial 4 more different forms! That is 6 pages more than last year so I figure my office uses up about 3 trees a year.


Do Not Ask Me Why #4


  I know that pondering sometimes can lead to thoughts of curiosity and for those of you (young people under 50) wondering what pondering is about, think about it for awhile!

  • Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • And for all my American friends my  question is: If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

 

 That's it for this week and if you want to know the why's of Real Estate, talk to a REALTOR, not your hairdresser or your friend Sue whose cousin lives besides someone whose brother in law knew of someone in Timbuctu who worked in a real estate office for 2 months

 

 


Do Not Ask Me Why , I Do Not Know #5


  Daily I am bombarded with questions from agents and clients and it is always great to help with a solution or answer. There are times, however, when I have to shrug and say "I don't know".

  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

 

If you have a question that requires an answer and I don't know, I'll do my best to get you one and if I can't , I'll blog about it!

 

 


Dumb Things Men Say To Their Partners


  Here are some things not to say, or react to with your partner:

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

.....................................................................................................................................................................................

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies,  "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

...........................................................................................................................................................

And Finally:

I tried to talk my sweetie into buying a case of beer for $42.25.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $47.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

Note: for some reason, I really got the look from my wife when she read the above!


Do Not Ask Me Why #3


From time to time there are questions to ponder and some to just put out there for others to get pondering about. So here goes:

  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

So, happy pondering  and don't forget, if you are pondering about real estate,  I can help


How Your Children can Influence You


Dear Mom and Dad:

 

 Since I left for university I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, OK.

 

 Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed by now. I only spent 2 weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance.

 

 He is also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burntout dormitory, he as kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we havew fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

 

 Yes Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.

 

 Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I am not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boyfriend. However, I am getting a “D” in History, and an “F” in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.

 

 Your loving daughter